한 번은 내가 유치원에 다닐 때였다.

같은 반 친구 아비게일에게서 나쁜 냄새가 나서 그걸 일러주었다가 울리는 바람에 교실에서 쫒겨 난 적이 있었다.

아직도 생생하게 기억난다.

아비게일이 반에 들어서자 마자 피비린내, 탄 내, 술냄새가 한 번에 몰려왔었다.

내가 거짓말을 했다고 호되게 혼이 났었다.

하지만 절대 거짓이 아니었다.

다만 내 코가 10년 뒤의 미래로 훌쩍 뛰어가 있었을 뿐이다.

아비게일이 술에 취해 아버지의 차를 몰래 끌고 나갔다가 마주오는 버스에 그대로 박아버리고 말았던 것이다.

우리가 중학생이 되어 다시 만났을 때도 그 냄새가 났었다.

그리고 아비게일이 죽기 직전에 차 안에서 듣는 디스코 음악이 함께 들려왔다.

이제는 남의 죽음을 입 밖에 내는 것을 삼가고 있다.

그래도 분명 무언가 뜻이 있지 않을까 생각한다.

누군가의 마지막 순간을 아는 것만큼 personal한 일은 없을테니까.

이 능력을 당연하다고 생각하지 않으려고 무단히 노력했다.

점점 나이가 들면서 능력이 원숙해지니 가끔은 힘들 때도 있다.

냄새가 나면 소리도 들리고, 환영이 보이고 어쩔 때는 드물지만 감정까지 느낄 수 있다.

대부분의 경우 사람들은 파스텔처럼 은은하게 가거나, 아차하는 순간 기계에 당하거나, 손세정제처럼 은은한 향기로 사라진다.

사람들 머리는 앞으로 무슨 일이 일어날지 알기에는 너무나 멍하다.

그런데 아비게일이나 중학교 체육 선생님처럼 예외인 경우도 있다.

선생님은 분명 미쳐 날뛰다가 총 한 방에 갈 예정이었다.

귀가 너무 얼얼해서 첫 수업 때 선생님이 하시는 말씀이 전혀 들어오질 않았다.

자살이라니.

어때 내가 한 얘기가, 상상이 돼?

사람들이 내 말을 믿어줬어도 나도 나를 믿기가 힘들었는데 얼마지 않아 호기심 때문인지 본인들이 어떻게 죽는지 나에게 묻기 시작했다.

심장마비라던가 자다가 평온하게 가는 경우는 괜찮았다.

근데 살인을 당하는 경우는 입이 안떨어졌다.

얘기를 해주더라도 바꿀 수 없으니까.

해봐서 안다.

아무리 애써도 정해진 운명을 바꿀 수 없었다.

그런 식으로 되는 게 아니었다.

소중한 사람을 잃고 나서 알게 됐다.

그 사람은 포이베라고, 나랑 대학에서 같은 역사 수업을 듣는 여학생이었다.

학교가 아담한 편이어서 거의 대부분의 학생이랑 알고 지냈었는데 포이베랑은 별로 안 친했었다.

왜냐하면 포이베가 몇 발자국 근처에만 와도 토악질이 올라와서 참을 수가 없었으니까.

분명 멀미같은 느낌이었는데, 두려움 때문이었던 것 같다.

여태껏 다른 인간에게 느껴보지 못한 차원이 다른 두려움이었다.

포이베와는 같은 공간에 있을 수조차 없었다.

몇 달은 잘 피해다녔지만 어느 날 포이베가 수업에 늦은 날 허겁지겁 교실에 들어와 내 옆자리에 앉았다.

나는 아무 것도 할 수 없었다.

온몸으로 느끼는 수 밖에.

어지러움과 두려움, 그리고 환영도 보였다.

하늘에서 나는 좌석에 고정된 채 화염을 뚫고 튀어나와 바다로 추락하고 있었다. 비명소리가 들리고. 퍽.

그렇게 끝난다.

내가 정신을 차렸을 땐 포이베가 나를 쳐다보고 있었다.

"너 대체 왜 그러는거야?"

"뭐? 그런 거 없는.."

"내가 싫으면 싫다고 말해. 속 안 좋은 척 하지 말고. 재수 없으니까."

"뭐라고? 아니야. 절대 일부러 그런 거 아냐. 진짜 내가 자주 아파서 그래. 네가 싫어서 그런 거 아냐."

"그러시겠지.."

"진짜 아니야.. 내가 어떻게라도 기분 풀어주고 싶은데.."

"그래?"

그렇게 우리의 만남이 시작됐다.

한 달도 안되서 모두들 다 알게 됐다.

살면서 가장 행복했던 시간이었다.

울렁거림은 좀처럼 가시질 않았지만 몇분이 지나면 잠잠해질 정도로 익숙해지고 포이베도 더이상 감정적으로 받아들이지 않게 됐다.

데이트를 하다가 화장실로 달려가는 일은 매 번 있었다.

그래도 남들처럼 영화도 보러다니고, 멋진 저녁식사도 하고, 산책도 했다.

나에게는 첫사랑이었다.

몇 년이나 남았지만 어떻게든 포이베는 죽음에서 구하고 말겠다고 다짐했었다.

어느 해 여름, 포이베가 다른 주에 살고 계시는 할머니를 뵈러 갈 예정이라고 말했다.

"월요일 비행기로 갈거야. 일주일 정도 있다 올게."

"비행기라고?"

"응, 근데 왜 그래?"

나는 버스나 기차를 타라고 사정사정을 했다.

너무 비싸다느니, 인생 경험이라느니, 탄소 발자국이 어쩌고 저쩌고 온갖 구실은 다 갖다 댔던 것 같다.

어찌나 진지하게 얘기했던지 포이베도 내 말을 진지하게 받아들이고 빨간 미니를 렌트하고 짐을 꾸렸다.

작별의 입맞춤을 한 뒤 탁월한 선택이라고 말했다.

"알았어, 하여튼 이상한 구석이 있다니까."

포이베가 출발을 하자마자 갑자기 전화를 걸고 싶어졌지만 너무 과잉보호를 하는 게 아닐까 싶어 그만 두었다.

몇 시간이나 일만 하다가, 티비 앞에 앉았다.

허접한 리얼리티 쇼가 지루해져서 뉴스 채널을 틀었는데 바로 그 순간 긴급속보가 흘러나왔다.

현수교 위에 차량 12대가 한데 뭉쳐있는 사고 현장이었다.

트럭을 운전하던 사람이 잠시 조는 바람에 차선을 벗어나 옆차로를 지나던 차를 치고도 그대로 돌진해 연쇄 추돌이 일어났다고 한다.

그리고 사고 여파로 다리 끝으로 밀려나있던 빨간 미니는 결국 푸른 바다로 추락하고 말았다.




큐피트화살 사이트에 접속해 프로필부터 살폈다.

나이는 30대쯤으로 보이고 커다랗고 파란 눈에 폭포수처럼 길게 쏟아지는 속눈썹.

갈색인듯 검정인듯 간간히 금발이 섞인 머리까지.

그녀의 프로필에는 총 6장의 사진이 올라와 있었다.

전부 얼굴만 찍은 사진이라 배경은 거의 보이지 않았다.

솔직히 말해서 딱히 끌리는 외모는 아니었다.

얼굴 절반은 차지하는 두 눈, 작고 얄상한 코.

미간을 살짝 찌뿌린 모양새가 마치 쓴 약을 먹은 것처럼 보였다.

분명 본인이 잘 나온 사진을 못 고르는 모양이다.

그녀의 프로필에는 별다른 정보가 없었다.

딱 필요한 필수 정보를 제외한 거의 대부분의 항목이 공란이었다.

나이, 성별, 인종. 남자와 여자 모두에게 관심있음.

그리고 인사말에는 이렇게 남겨두었다.


"그냥 아무나 만나고 싶어요. 새로운 사람을 알게 됐으면 해서요. 당신도 그렇지 않나요?"


프로필을 아무리봐도 이 여자는 좀 괴짜같은 구석이 있어 보였지만 어쩐지 그 점에 끌려 메시지를 보내봤다.


"안녕하세요, 제 이름은 데이비드입니다. 저도 누군가를 만나고 싶었어요. 한 번 만나볼래요?"


아뿔싸, 메시지를 전송하고 나서야 그녀의 아이디가 눈에 들어왔다.


[뜨거운만남항시대기]


보통 이런 경우는 사기를 위한 낚시성 계정이다.

아무리 궁해도 내가 그 정도는 아니지.

근데 오늘은 그렇지가 않다.

몇 년 동안 데이트 한 번 못해봤다.

큐피트화살을 통해 세 명의 여성과 연결이 됐었지만 한 명은 나타나지도 않았고, 다른 한 명은 한 시간도 못 채우고 자리를 떴다.

그리고 마지막은 만남 이후 연락이 안됐다.

이후로 쭉 여자친구를 다시는 못 만날까봐 걱정했었다.

...

이후로 쭉 섹스를 다시는 못 할까봐 걱정했었다!


"안녕하세요, 데이비드. 저도 만나뵙고 싶네요."


오메 이게 왠 떡이냐!

지금은 사기고 뭐고 아무 상관 없다. 일단 시도라도 해봐야지 않겠나.


"좋아요! 이름이 어떻게 되세요?"


노트북 앞에서 하염없이 답장을 기다렸지만 아무런 반응이 없었다.

어느새 한시간이나 흘러갔다.

나는 유투브 영상을 보면서 계속 답장을 기다렸다.

5시간이 지나고 나서야 메시지가 왔다.


"오늘 밤에 볼래요?"


답장을 늦게 받아서 치미는 짜증과 섹스를 할지도 모른다는 흥분이 동시에 몰려왔다.

나도 바쁜 척 좀 기다렸다가 답장을 해야 절박한 느낌이 없을테지만 이미 안중에도 없었다.


"그래요! 어디서 볼까요?"


답장이 곧바로 왔다.


"올린 공원이요."

I typed my response carefully. “I know the place. I can meet you there in an hour, if you’d like. By the way, what’s your name?”

I waited for her again. It was getting late, nearly nine pm. If we wanted a real date she needed to get back to me quickly. I was about to message her again when she replied. “I’m already here.”

I was a little startled. Maybe she lived around the park? I wrote to her, “You’re in the park already?”

The reply came almost before I hit send. “I’m outside your apartment.”

"아 저 거기 알아요. 한 시간 뒤에 거기서 만나면 좋겠어요. 근데 이름이 뭐예요?"

또 답장이 없었다.

벌써 밤 9시가 다 되어가는데..

진짜로 만날 생각이라면 빨리 답장을 해줘야 하는거 아닌가..

메시지를 한 번 더 보내려는데 답장이 왔다.

"저 여기 도착했어요."

어라? 그 공원 근처에 사나?

"벌써 도착하셨다구요?"

"지금 집 앞에 와 있어요."

심장이 미친듯이 쿵쾅거렸다.

분명 날 가지고 놀고 있었다.

"예~ 갱~장히 재미있네여~"

그런데 그 순간, 우리집 현관문을 누가 두드리는 것이 아닌가.

갑자기 두 손이 떨리기 시작했다.

이게 진짜일리 없어.

컴퓨터 화면에는 그녀의 사진을 띄워놓고 있었는 어쩐지 미소를 짓는 표정으로 바뀌어 있었다.

조심스럽게 현관으로 갔다.


"누구세요?"

"피자 배달 왔습니다!"


웃음이 터져버렸다.

피자를 시켰던 것을 까맣게 잊고 있었다.

나란 녀석.. 푸훗..

현관문을 열자 배달원이 미소를 지으며 서 있다.


"24달러 80센트 입니다."

"잔돈은 가지세요."


배달원은 30불을 받아들고서는 씨익하고 웃어보였다.


"감사합니다. 두 분 좋은 밤 되세요!"


순간 오한이 돌면서 등골에서 식은땀이 흘렀다.


"뭐라구요?"

"아뇨 뭐, 두 분 좋은 시간 되시라구요."

"그게 무슨 말이냐구요."

"아, 네. 죄송해요. 뒤에 여자분이 서 계시길래.."


잽싸게 뒤를 돌아봤지만 아무도 없었다.

배달원이 천천히 뒷걸음질 치는 소리가 들렸지만 신경 쓸 수가 없었다.

집 안의 모든 불을 켜고 방마다 꼼꼼히 확인을 했다.

병신같다고 생각하면서도 옷장도 열어보고 침대 밑까지 뒤졌다.

완벽하게 확인을 하고 나서야 한숨 돌릴 수 있었다.

아마 모니터를 흘깃 보고 진짜 여자가 있는 줄 알았나보다.

그런 줄 알았을거야. 그런 줄 알았어야해.

컴퓨터 앞으로 돌아와 여자 사진을 보니 소름이 돋았다.

그래서 차단을 하려고 했는데 갑자기 다른 프로필이 떴다.

아이디는 똑같은데 성별은 남자로 바뀌어 있었다.

내가 피자를 먹는 동안 프로필을 수정한건가?

사진도 다 내려갔다.

뭐 이딴 게 다 있나 싶어 창을 닫아 버렸다.

오늘 큐피트화살은 다 했네.

그런데 창이 다시 켜지며 프로필이 다시 떴다.


[뜨거운만남항시대기]

남성, 40대, 백인.


그런데 이번엔 내 사진이 올라가 있었다.

얼굴만 찍힌 사진들 뿐이고 웃고 있지도 않았다.

온몸이 미친듯이 떨려왔다.

갑자기 메시지 하나가 날아왔다.

목구멍에서 숨이 콱 막혔다.

Terrified, I clicked it. The screen turned black. That’s when I saw the reflection of a pucker-face girl in my screen. She smiled calmly. “Nice to meet you,” she said in the voices of a hundred people. She came at me and before I knew what was happening they were inside me.

It was better than sex. And also lonelier.

We are together now. Hundreds of desperate people, just like me. But there is no me anymore. We are we. We breathe as one. We suffer as one. Together. But never complete. We are still looking to meet someone.

Someone new.

너무너무 무서웠지만 메시지를 열었다.

화면이 검게 바뀌었다.

그러자 아까 사진 속 그녀가 화면에 비쳤다.

"만나서 반가워요."

그녀의 목소리는 마치 수백명이 말하는 목소리였다.


There was no reason to expect it, despite the fact that it had been prowling in the back of my mind for a very long time.

When you leave behind one life for another, it is always with the expectation that you must learn to balance the two in some way, shape, or . Some people can make this transition smoothly, can integrate their memories and affections and damning sentiments into a new framework. These people are lucky. For others, the integration is rocky, consisting of the pushes and pulls of change.

And then there are some for which the two are mutually exclusive, where the past life is forgotten completely to make room for new possibilities. For those who choose this path – or are forced onto it by circumstance – the cost is usually negligible. Perhaps it is even desired.

To forget.

아주 오랫동안 가슴 한구석을 차지하고 있었지만 전혀 기대하고 있지는 않았다.

삶이 완전히 바뀔 때 언젠가는 절단된 삶 가운데서 어떻게든 줄다리기를 할 수 있지 않을까 기대한다.

변화를 무탈하게 하는 사람도 있고, 과거의 모습을 현재에 삶에 잘 녹여내는 사람도 있다.

운이 좋은 편이라고 할 수 있다.

어떤 사람은 변화의 격동 속에서 마구 흔들리기도 한다.

그리고 두가지 삶이 완전히 서로 달라 과거는 완전히 잊고서 그 자리에 새로운 삶을 채우는 사람도 있다.

이 방식을 택한 사람이 치르는 댓가는 그리 크지 않다. 어쩌면 가장 이상적일 수도 있다.

완전히 잊으면 되니까.

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I grew up in a small community. It’s nothing special, located in a corner of rural Minnesota, where nothing much happens and life for most people consists of the tending of cows and fields. It is the kind of place that goes unnoticed by the outside world, which suits the locals just fine, they don’t like outsiders, anyway. People like me know that very well. The town is obscure and unimportant, and one would never see it on the morning news unless something very, very bad had happened.

Well, that morning, it was on the news.

That wasn’t how I found out, of course. No, I was still in bed when everything started, sleeping, dreaming about sinking into my pillows and breathing in the cotton. I was startled awake –rather rudely, I might add – by the shrill beeping of my cell phone.

My alarm wasn’t due to scream for another hour yet, so you can imagine my annoyance. I sucked it up, however, and reached for the offending piece of shit, trying to bite back the choice words I had for the caller.

I glanced at the caller ID – Todd Inlet, cousin from my father’s side of the family. He was just about my age, though we were never particularly close. He, like most of his immediate family, had chosen to stay in the town after graduation, enrolling in the police force and spending his days writing petty speeding tickets and bitching about sports with his cop buddies over coffee. So why the fuck was he calling me at nine in the morning on a Wednesday?

“Yeah?” I answered, trying to keep the grogginess out of my voice and failing.

The response was more of a snarl than anything else, rocketing through my phone and assaulting my ear. “Taylor Denson.”

And just like that, I knew.

나는 미네소타의 어느 작은 시골 마을에서 자랐다.

특별할 것도 없고, 특별한 일도 없고, 작물을 키우고 소를 돌볼 뿐 그다지 특별한 일을 하는 사람도 없었다.

바깥세상에서 보기엔 전혀 눈에 띄지 않는 곳이었다.

어차피 마을 사람들도 외부인을 좋아하지 않기 때문에 적격인 셈이다.

큰 일이 일어나서 뉴스에 나오지 않는 이상 왠만해서는 이곳을 들어볼 일이 없다.

그런데 그 날 아침 마을이 뉴스에 나왔다.

내가 직접 뉴스를 보지는 못했지만 그 때 당시 나는 아직 침대에서 비몽사몽하던 상태였다.

휴대폰이 신경질나게 울려대서 짜증이 났는데 알람이 아니라 누가 전화를 걸고 있었다.

어떤 새끼가 아침부터 전화질인지 발신자를 확인해봤다.

토드 인렛, 친가 쪽 사촌이다.

내 또래이지만 딱히 친하지도 않다.

대부분의 친척들이 그렇듯 토드도 졸업 후 고향에 남기로 결정했었다.

경찰로 근무하면서 과속 딱지를 끊거나 동료들과 스포츠 중계를 보는 등 별볼일 없는 일만 했다.

근데 이 시바랄이 왜 수요일 아침 아홉시부터 전화질이냐고!


"왜?"


잠긴 목소리를 가다듬으려고 했지만 잘 되지 않았다.

들려온 대답은 혼란스럽기 그지 없었다.

휴대폰에서 튀어나와 내 귀에 꽂힌 한마디.


"테일러가.."


나는 바로 직감했다.

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I like to take my time getting ready in the mornings. I take long showers. I put on makeup. I try on my different outfits. I play with my jewelry. I use that time to feel ready for my day.

Apparently, when I need to, I can be out the door in less than five minutes.

When those words thundered in through my cell phone, the words I’d been waiting to hear for ten years now, I’d shot out of bed, pulled on some fresh clothes, brushed my teeth, ignored my hair, swiped my car keys, and ran for it.

I wish I’d been more prepared, but it wasn’t something I could bare to prepare for. It was an eventuality, but one that was going to break my heart, and nobody prepares for a broken heart, do they?

Taylor Denson.

It was only an hour to my hometown, but I expected to make it in half the time as my foot drove down hard on the gas pedal. I raced down the highway, hoping to avoid the cops or that they’d already been ined of my… situation. Any second of delay could be a second too long.

As I flew down the road, my mind flew back to a time when I hadn’t been so adept at hiding from my problems. Back to the root of the trouble from which sprang the future that I had grown for myself.

Back to Taylor.
* * *


아침에 천천히 외출 준비를 하는 편이다.

샤워도 오래하고, 화장도 하고, 어제와 다른 옷을 고르고, 어울리는 악세사리를 이것저것 대어본다.

하루를 보낼 준비가 됐다고 느낄 때까지.

그래도 빨리 나가야 할 때는 5분이면 충분하다.

토드의 대답이, 족히 십 년은 기다려온 바로 그 이름이 휴대폰에서 벼락이 되어 내리치자 마자

침대에서 튀어나와 옷을 주워입고 양치를 한 후 머리는 대충 묶어버린 다음 자동차 키를 챙겨 밖으로 향했다.

마음의 준비가 아직 안되었는데.. 그렇다고 준비를 할 수 있는 일도 아니다.

결국 내 심장이 산산히 부서지겠지.. 이걸 어떻게 대비할 수 있겠어?

테일러 덴슨.

우리집 본가까지는 한시간 정도 걸리지만 악셀을 최대한 밟으면 30분이면 갈 수 있는 거리였다.

경찰이 도로에 없길 바라며, 어쩌면 소식을 들었을지도 모르지만 어쨋든 고속도로를 엄청난 속도로 달렸다.

1초가 10년같이 느껴졌다.

도로 위를 질주하면서 내 기억도 빠르게 과거를 향하고 있었다.

내가 자초한.. 언젠간 터져도 터졌을.. 문제의 핵심으로..

타일러에게로..



She and I weren’t so different, and that’s what had been eating away at me for so long.

It was natural that we’d find each other. We were both considered outsiders and, as such, subject to the harsher treatment of the townsfolk.

For me, it was my mother. She was from out of town, and the whole community was in an uproar when my father married her. She wasn’t even from nearby – she was from about six states away, and heaven knows why the hell she chose to move out to the middle of Bumfuck, Minnesota, but she had, and so here I was. I couldn’t have missed the sneers and suspicious glares if I’d wanted to. And I didn’t want to. It was safer, to know that this wasn’t my home, this wasn’t a place I was welcome, only a place that I was forced to occupy until I could escape.

타일러와 나는 너무도 달랐고 때문에 나는 오랫동안 너무도 괴로웠다.

우리는 자연스럽게 서로를 알게 됐다.

마을에서 둘 다 외부인 취급을 당했고, 마을 사람들의 고약한 태도도 감내해야 했다.

나는 엄마 때문에 이렇게 됐다.

우리 아빠와 결혼을 하면서 마을로 오면서 큰 소란이 있었다.

근처도 아니고 여섯개의 주를 건너서 온 외부인이었기 때문이다.

그런 촌동네까지 뭣하러 오겠다고 했는지 이해할 수가 없다.

하지만 엄마는 선택을 했고 그래서 내가 태어나게 됐다.

사람들의 조롱과 냉대는 아무리 해도 피할 수 없었다.

그저 다 내려놓고 이 마을은 내가 있을 곳이 아니고 그저 탈출하기 전까지만 구속되어있을 뿐이라고 생각했다.

Taylor’s story was different, but the same in all the ways that mattered. Her family had moved into the community, living in what was little more than a shack on the outskirts of town. Her father was a laborer, worked a lot with his hands, which were always caked with dirt. Her mother sewed her own clothing from worn old scraps of fabric. Taylor’s clothing consisted of much the same, and the few times I went to her house I was able to tell that her nicest dress was cut from the same fabric as the drapes on the kitchen window.

Two little outside girls, living in a cold and quiet hellscape. It’s no wonder that we found each other. It’s no wonder that we hid from everyone else.

타일러의 경우는 조금 달랐다.

온가족이 마을로 이사와 가장 변두리 지역에 자리를 잡았다.

아버지는 노동일을 하셔서 언제나 손이 흙투성이었다.

어머니는 오래된 천을 직접 손바느질해서 옷을 지으셨는데 그 때문인지 테일러의 옷은 늘 비슷비슷 했었다.

테일러의 집으로 놀러갔을 때 보았던 가장 예쁜 옷은 부엌 창문 가리개로 만든 드레스였다.

지옥구덩이에서 사는 두 명의 어린 외부인.

자연스럽게 서로 가까워졌고, 자연스럽게 다른 사람들에 눈에 띄지 않도록 숨었다.

She moved to our town in the second grade. She and I found each other almost immediately. There was some sameness inside us that drew us to each other. I remember thinking that I could see it in her eyes, some kind of light that sparked when she glanced at me. Her eyes were my favorite. They were so comforting, big, beautiful. They were green, I remember, how could I forget? I only felt noticed, felt alive, when they were looking at me.

Of course, I also felt watched.

We became fast friends on her very first day in class. I knew it was something special from the moment she introduced herself to all the students and I found that I COULDN’T forget her name, not even if I tried. She was already inside my head, not by trying, simply by existing. That’s how I knew we were meant for each other.

Of course, sometimes these connections can bring as much misery as they can bring happiness.

As we grew older, the town hated us more and more. Of course they did – why would they hold any love for outsiders like us? My own extended family treated me with a strange distance that I had learned to understand at a young age. Sure, we wanted to be accepted, loved… but that could never happen. We had to find that love within ourselves. Within each other.

That meant, however, that we directed our hatred towards THEM.

It’s not that they didn’t deserve it. Anyone remotely different who grew up in a small town can assure you that the bastards deserve the hatred they receive. But the thing about hatred is that it’s a double-edged sword. It hurts the wielder as much as the victim.

Their hatred poisoned us, and it poisoned the love we had for each other. We held on to each other with a vise-like grip and, soon, began to feel strong enough to change something. To change THEM.

Madness.

We continued down our little hole of madness. By the time I was in high school, I was severely depressed and barely spoke to anyone who wasn’t Taylor. Taylor wasn’t much better, although her family didn’t really notice what she had become. We could find comfort in each other, though. A twisted of comfort that I can’t describe, even now.

Things changed one day halfway through our freshman year.

“They’re bastards – every last one of them,” Taylor said.

I mumbled an agreement. We were sitting in my room, playing video games, trying to forget the awful day of school we’d had – we’d been attacked walking to my house, not that unusual but I’d sustained a pretty hard hit to my midsection and it was going to be difficult to hide the pain from my parents once they got home.

“There’s nothing we could do to them that they wouldn’t deserve,” she said.

And that caught my attention. “Like… what?”

Taylor turned those eyes on me and they pinned me in place, our game left forgotten on the screen. “Think for a moment. Think about what they’ve done to us. All these years, they’ve tortured us, and they’ve enjoyed every minute of it. Haven’t they?”

It was true. It hurt, but it was true. “What of it?” I knew better than to think that we could fight back – I’d learned the hard way that we didn’t hold any power, and only the ones in power got to cause pain.

“Your father has a gun,” she said in a low voice.

That was the moment that everything changed. The moment I knew, the moment I made the decision…

That was the real moment I betrayed her.

Less than a week later, I had started at a new school a few towns over. No one knew me and the town was big enough that no one cared. They were kind. I was a bit strange but eventually I fit in.

None of us – my family and myself included – ever spoke her name again.

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That was where my recollection ended. As I pulled onto the exit ramp for our little town, I firmly put a stop to the end of the story. No, it had been over ten years since I’d made my decision. One that I knew Taylor could never forgive. I wasn’t going to replay it in my head again, not today, or at least not yet. I was sure that she’d remind me when I saw her, anyway, so why torture myself now?

Once I turned onto the highway leading into town, I was met with an escort. Two of the town’s police cars preceded me as we headed for the school.

That goddamn school.

It had been years since I’d been back, but if I closed my eyes, I could see everything as clear as day. The blue lockers lining the hallway, the cold linoleum floors, the front office with its glass windows that surveyed everything. I’d hoped that I’d never have to see it again anywhere other than my worse nightmares, but here I was. In less than an hour, probably, I’d be seeing it all over again.

She knew that this was hell for me. That’s why she did it.

Once we reached the school, I saw every cop car from the five closest counties lined up outside. Police dotted the area in multitudes but none of them seemed to quite know what to do – it was almost as though they were waiting for something. The parents standing outside were angry about it, too. Some of them, the ones that weren’t crying and having mental breakdowns, were screaming at the cops to fucking DO something already, Jesus Christ our KIDS are in there!

They didn’t know that the cops were waiting for me.

Todd was next to me the instant I stepped out of the car. He looked exhausted – being related to me does that, I suppose, especially when I am the one connection to Taylor that matters. Or, at least, mattered at that moment.

“Lily, thanks for coming,” he said. He didn’t mean it, but he didn’t really know what else to say. Like I said, we were never close. Not many people would willingly ostracize themselves for my sake, not even my own family.

I decided to cut the shit, because I just couldn’t deal with it that day. “No, you’re not, Todd, because me being here isn’t exactly how you all wanted this to go, is it? How the hell did you convince your partners of this? You and I both know this isn’t protocol.”

No, what we were about to do wasn’t protocol. And I knew damn well how he’d convinced them, but I wanted to hear it. I wanted to hear if he’d give me an honest answer or if he’d lie to me.

“There wasn’t any other option. She’s demanding it. She’s got kids hostage. Lily, some of them are only seven or eight! Besides, we… we are going to take every possible precaution.”

I listened as the lies spilled out of his lips like he’d rehearsed them and then realized that, probably, he had. I wanted to scream at him, no, you guys don’t give a shit if she kills me, it would probably be a godsend if I were to die in this fucked up situation, too. You’re sending me in because you want to punish me for having known her. Because you want someone else to deal with the mess that you unknowingly created. Because you can’t take responsibility, you goddamn cowards.

Instead, I asked, “Why didn’t you just send someone in to shoot her? You have men trained to do just that.”

I didn’t expect Todd’s answer, I’ll admit, and it froze me for just a moment. Of course, Taylor would know how to get my attention. “She’s… she’s holding one of them. Sitting in the front of the room with the kid on her lap, a gun pressed to his head. We couldn’t risk it.”

I had never actually seen Todd so shook up. He is usually the epitome of calm and collected – which helps a lot when you’re a cop – but he looked absolutely terrified in that moment. And in his eyes, I did see a flash of guilt for sending me in to deal with the situation. But wait, the guilt was something more, there was something he wasn’t telling me…

“You’re sending me in without a gun,” I said.

He didn’t try to dodge the question this time, he just nodded. “You’ll have a bullet-proof vest on, make no mistake, but she demanded that you come unarmed. If she thinks that you have a gun, we’re afraid that she’ll shoot the child.”

I nodded. “I think it’s for the best,” was my truthful answer. The details of that night so long ago seeped into my head and I thought to myself, no, I don’t want to die, but maybe I do deserve it. Maybe I helped them create this monster and now I have to go down with it.

The thought hurt, but it was true, and so I couldn’t deny it. Not anymore.

I wondered if my parents would ever forgive me for what I was about to do. I wondered if they even KNEW what was happening. Based on the fact that they weren’t here trying to stop me, I’d say the town had gone to great pains to keep my involvement a secret.

So I did what I had to.

I took a deep breath and, as the police force and townsfolk gathered around me to watch, I stepped towards the large glass doors.

And I remembered.

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They’d fitted me up with an earpiece and a microphone. I wished they hadn’t, I didn’t want them to hear what Taylor was going to say, but maybe it was for the best.

As I stepped into the school, Todd’s voice buzzed in to my ear.

“She’s in room 107. Do you know where it is?”

How could I forget? Ms. Anderson’s old classroom. She used to be the second-grade teacher. That was where Taylor and I first laid eyes on each other. Fitting, don’t you think?

I grunted my assent as I moved past the front office, walking down the main hallway, my eyes darting back and forth, taking in all the sights that I’d thought once to forget.

It couldn’t have taken me more than two minutes to reach the first hallway, but it felt like hours. Everything about this was so surreal. Were they really the halls that I’d run down trying to make it to class on time? They hadn’t changed at all, so why did this feel so strange? Perhaps I was the one that changed, or maybe I really hadn’t changed and that’s why everything seemed wrong. It was like stepping back into a past where I didn’t belong.

Where I’d never belonged.

I turned right down the hallway and spotted the room. It was four doors down and to the right. It was easy to tell that it was my destination because all the other rooms were empty, their doors hanging open as though they’d been abandoned in a hurry. The only room that hadn’t been evacuated had its door shut, glowing with a light that seemed sinister. As my feet carried me towards the door, I wondered if this was the last light that I would see. This sickly yellow that cast a jaundice hue on everything around it.

I reached the door and thought about my family. I should have left a note. I should have called them. I should have warned them. Because for the first time this whole day, I was absolutely certain that whatever happened in that room would end in death.

Taking a deep breath, I pushed the door open.

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One of the reasons that people go to high school reunions is that they can see how their old classmates have aged. Although, perhaps the age of reunions is over, what with the advent of Facebook. Still, you expect there to be some kind of change. So-and-so got fat, or rich, or super attractive. Something is different to let you know that time has passed.

Taylor looked exactly like the last time I had seen her.

She still wore grungy, second-hand clothing that always looked like it could use a wash. Her long brown hair and green eyes hadn’t dulled. She hadn’t grown or gained weight. She was just as she always had been, and she smiled at me as though she were happy to see me.

“I’ve been waiting for you, Lily,” she said.

I took a moment to take in the rest of the room, to properly assess the situation. The children were all seated silently at their desks, as was the teacher in the back. It was a man this time – a pity that Ms. Anderson wasn’t here to see this reunion. She’d always hated the two of us. She probably would have enjoyed watching us both die. At this point, I had no illusions that this wasn’t going to be the outcome. All that mattered to me now was making sure that she didn’t kill any of the students on her way out. I wondered if I could succeed in that, at least.

Taylor herself was sitting at the front of the classroom, a young boy huddled on her lap. He was small, even for a seven-year-old, and his eyes were wet with tears. He was shaking but his face was strangely calm, almost apathetic, and I knew right then that he was suffering from shock. He was going to need medical attention soon – looks like Taylor and I were going to have to wrap this up quickly. She seemed to be waiting for an answer as I looked at the child, so I gave her one.

“It’s been a long time, Taylor,” I said, and she smiled.

Todd’s voice buzzed in my ear like a mosquito. “Lily, ask what she wants.”

I shook my head just a little, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. I knew what she wanted, or at least, I thought I did.

“I suppose that asking you to forgive me wouldn’t help at all, would it?” I asked. Taylor gave me a sad smile and I continued. “I’ll take any punishment you want to give me, so could you let the boy go? You’re scaring him, Taylor, and you don’t want to scare him.”

“What makes you think that?” she asked, genuinely curious, and I paused, wondering if I had miscalculated the situation. “Do you know who this boy is?” She continued, sounding almost casual.

I shook my head. She smiled a little wider and her eyes gleamed.

“I don’t blame you, Lily. When I brought up your dad’s gun… I should have known you weren’t ready yet. I should have known you would be scared.”

A part of me piped up and, for some reason, it became imperative that Taylor understood the truth of what I’d done, and the reason behind it. “No, Taylor, that’s not right. I wasn’t scared.” Her brows furrowed as I continued. “Not for the reason you think, anyway. I… when you said that, when you opened up to me about your plans for revenge… I was excited. I was happy. More than anything, I wanted to do exactly what you’d suggested. And that… that was why I was scared. That’s why I asked my parents to switch me to a new school. That’s why I…” I couldn’t finish.

“That’s why you screamed at me to leave and told me you’d tattle if I ever tried to find you again?” She asked, her voice barely above a whisper. There was hurt in her eyes, yes, but there was also understanding.

“Yes,” I answered, “I wasn’t afraid of you, I was afraid of me, and what I would do. So I ran away.”

“You abandoned me.”

“Yes.”

“Did you… in all these years, did you ever think of me?”

My voice was breathless when I answered, “Oh, yes. So many times, Taylor.”

Her rueful little smile returned as she readjusted her grip on the boy. “Did you ever expect this?”

I considered lying, but she didn’t deserve a lie, even with what she was doing and what she’d become. “Yes, Taylor. I thought it might end up like this.”

“No… you KNEW it would end up like this.”

“…Yes.”

We stood there silently for just a moment. Todd’s voice didn’t come back in my ear, but I knew that he was listening intently. I guessed that he was shocked at what I’d just revealed.

Yes, I’d wanted to do this. I’d wanted to take revenge on my classmates and anyone else who got in our way. I’d wanted to do it with Taylor, and that’s why I made her believe I hated her, that’s why I’d hidden myself from her. That’s why I pretended that she’d never existed. Because if I hadn’t…

I shook the thought away from my head. It wouldn’t do any good to start thinking like that. I had a job to do, so I said, “Taylor, I know you want to hurt the people who hurt us, but these kids haven’t done anything to you. They aren’t the ones you want to hurt. Let them go, Taylor.”

She shook her head and a strange gleam entered her eyes. At that moment, those green orbs were the most beautiful I’d ever seen them… until she gave me her answer. “Ah, that’s where you’re wrong, Lily. These kids… they’re poisoned. Poisoned by this town and its people. And they’re going to hurt some poor kids just like we were hurt. You know it and I know it.”

“Taylor…” I didn’t like where this was going.

“No, listen. This boy right here. Don’t you know who it is? Look at his face. Look and tell me.”

I humored her and looked at him. Now that she’d said it, he did look a little familiar, but I couldn’t quite place him.

“It’s Amanda’s son. You remember Amanda, don’t you?”

It was a rhetorical question. How could I forget the name of the worst bully in school? Well, not that I hadn’t tried. I’d tried so very hard for so many years. And in the end, it came back to this.

“We can hurt her, Lily. We can hurt her and, at the same time, stop this town from poisoning anyone else.”

“Taylor, listen to yourself. This isn’t like you.” But it was like her. It was exactly what she’d do. And I had to find some way to convince her to let go of the gun or she’d do it.

And then, of course, the game changed.

I saw her shifting in her seat and I tensed… until she pulled out a switchblade and threw it towards me. I caught it and marveled at it, wondering what she wanted from me. Why did she arm me? I mean, a knife was nothing against a gun, but it still struck me as odd.

“Do you remember,” she continued, “the day that Amanda told everyone in school that you were pregnant? A little slut who fucked any guy who she came across? And she cornered you in the yard after school and mocked you until one of the teachers finally stepped in.”

Oh, yes. Yes, I remembered.

Taylor saw the flicker in my eyes. “Think about that while you do it.”

And she waited.

My eyes were shadowed in confusion as I stared at her. As I did what…?

And then I understood.

“No,” I whispered.

“Yes,” she answered.

“Taylor, I can’t hurt him. I can’t. You should know that.”

“You have a choice, Lily,” she continued. “If you don’t want to kill him, fine, then I will shoot every child in this room, him included.” The children gasped as she waved her gun at them in the air. The teacher at the back of the room blanched. My pulse thundered in my throat and, suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. “But if you chose to do as I asked, what I know you WANT to do, then there will only be three deaths today.” She gave me a pointed look as she asked, “Do you understand?”

And so I stood in limbo, staring first at the terrified face of the boy in front of me, then at those crazy eyes that were holding him in place, and finally at the captive audience that was beginning to tremble. I hadn’t expected this. I knew that she would kill me, yes, and I knew that she would die with me, but to make me an accomplice to murder… that was not a part of the plan that I had fashioned for myself.

That was so like Taylor, to come up with something so horrific.

I don’t know how long I debated because time seemed to cease in those moments, but the illusion was shattered when the teacher’s voice piped up from the back of the room.

“Do it!” He was trying not to scream and failing miserably. “For fuck’s sake, do it!”

No. No, all of this was wrong, no, I didn’t understand, I couldn’t understand. And the teacher just kept SCREAMING at me (“oh God please just do it for fuck’s sake it’s only one child just KILL HIM”) and everything in my mind was screaming, too (you can’t do it yes you can no you can’t it’s only one child to save twenty others but I can’t yes you can) and Todd’s voice came in over the earpiece (“Shit, Lily, don’t do it, don’t listen to her, we’re sending help in as fast as we can, try to stall”)…

And then I realized that, maybe, there was another choice.

I took a deep breath before I spoke, praying that this would work, please, God, let this work.

“Taylor… you know I can’t kill that child. There’s… a part of me that wants to. A part of me that wishes it could inflict the pain that I received on someone else, as though that would get rid of it. But it can’t. And I won’t. It’s better that I let that part of me die here and now. What you do about this is up to you, but I can’t play this game with you. I’m sorry, Taylor. If I hadn’t left… maybe none of this would have happened. I’m… I’m so sorry.”

As I spoke, I turned the knife towards myself. Suddenly, the world didn’t exist outside of Taylor and me. She stared and I returned it as I lifted the knife to my own throat.

“Lily…” she warned.

But it was already too late.

I dug the knife deep into my throat and gasped. Oh, God, it HURT. It felt like every nerve of my flesh was on fire and the blood that rushed into my throat only served to inflame it further. I could feel myself choking, but I couldn’t stop yet. It was harder than I expected, dragging the knife across my neck, cutting through so much muscle and flesh. But I had to do it. It was the only option – perhaps, without me as an audience, without me to participate in this act, it would become meaningless.

I dropped to the floor, the blood filling my throat, spilling from it. Fuck, I couldn’t breathe. What would happen first, I wondered? Would I die from blood loss or would I suffocate?

My thoughts were momentarily interrupted by a BANG…

And then everything went dark.

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I was beyond surprised to wake up in the hospital. Actually, I was pretty shocked that I had woken up at all. I was pretty sure that I’d dug that knife deep into my throat. Or had that all been a dream? I reached up and fingered the bandage around my neck gently. No, it had happened. Then, what…?

And then my parents were beside me. And they were shouting for the doctor and crying over me and it was so loud that I couldn’t hear anything. And Todd was there and why is Todd here what does he want? And Taylor, Taylor, Taylor…

“What happened to her?” I tried to ask, but no noise came out of my wounded throat. Another shock when Todd pulled out a pad of paper and a pencil. Handing it to me, he said, “You won’t be able to talk for a while, so you’ll have to use this.” He was giving me a strange look as I wrote out my question.

He stared at the pad a moment longer than it should have taken to read my message before he answered, “She’s dead. She… shot herself after you tried to kill yourself.”

I took the pad back. And the boy?

“She didn’t hurt him. He’s okay.”

How am I not dead?

“We were able to get to you before you bled out. We heard the shots and the screaming, we came in expecting the worse. Turns out she was the only casualty.”

That was all the further we could communicate before the doctor was in the room and tending to me. My mother was clinging to my side and weeping, and my father looked positively relieved, although there were shards of anger and hurt in their eyes that I knew might never go away. I only hoped that they would accept my apologies, or at least understand why I had to do it.

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My recovery wasn’t quick. It took a few months before I could really talk again, the flesh coming back together slowly and painfully. But eventually life returned to normal and I was able to go back to my home.

And so a year passed.

It was on the anniversary that Todd came back to see me. I guess I had been wondering if he would – you know, he and I still aren’t close, although I think he’s changed the way he looks at me.

When he came back to me, he had questions, as I knew he would.

“How did you know it would work?” He asked.

“I didn’t,” I answered. When that didn’t satisfy him, I said, “She wanted me to come back to her. When I tried to sacrifice myself, she knew that she’d really lost me. There was no point to her plan anymore.”

“Why didn’t you just stall for time? We could have…”

“No, you couldn’t have,” I cut him off. “If you had come in, she would have killed that child. You and I both know that. There was no other choice.”

“You’d sacrifice yourself for that kid?”

The answer to that was obvious, so he continued.

“Why?”

“Because… because I had a hand in making Taylor what she was. When she told me about her dreams of revenge, I should have told somebody. I should have done something. But I didn’t, and that means that I’m no better than the rest of you. I had to pay for my sins.”

For a long time, Todd didn’t say anything. We sat in my kitchen, drinking coffee, thinking about the past and the future and the strange turning of the world in between.

And then he asked me something I never expected.

“Do you think it’s over?”

There was a long pause as I stared at him, wondering. And then I answered.

“I don’t know.”