이런걸 서도 되는지 모르겠지만..........
죄송합니다.너무 답답하네요......이런데 나마 제 마음을 털어보고 싶네요.
뭐..........어설플진 몰라도........가슴에 담아 두기만 하면 병난다 잔아요.......
이상하게.........오늘 생각이 많이 나네요...........그녀가...............
그녀를 만난 건 5년전..........
친하게 지낸 동생이 있었는데(친동생은 아니죠 당연히) 어쩌다 보니 그 동생집에 놀러가게 되었습니다.(제 윗집입니다.아파트고요)그 후 더 친해져서.....자주 놀라가게 되었는데................거기서 처음으로 그녀를 만났죠.......알고보니 그 동생의 누나 라더군요........보는 순간 가슴에 두근거렸죠......놀러 간다는 핑계로 그 집에 많이 갔습니다.사실은 그녀를 보로요.........어린 마음의 첫사랑이라 용기가 없었죠...............그렇게 시간은 흐르고..........드디어 고등학교에 다니기 시작했습니다....아시다 시피 거의 모든 시간을 학교에 보내면서.......그 동생과 사이가 멀어지게 되었죠........눈에서 멀어지면 마음에서 멀어진다 라는 말이 맞는거 같습니다.........자연히 그녀와는 만나지지가 않았죠.....
....................어느덧 세월이 지나 고3.......성적을 올리기 위해 학원에 다니게 되었는데....우연인지 인연인지.......어느 교실로 들어가게 되었는데 그 학원 교실에 그녀가 제일 눈에 띠더라고요........제가 덩치는 있지만 용기없고 소심한지라........그냥 학원에서 보통 친구 처럼 지내게 되었습니다.................시간은 왜 이리 빠르 던지..........

그리고..........학원도 종강하고 해서..........그녀와는 이제는 정말 끝이구나.......라고 생각했습니다............어느 덧 수능시험......저의 평소실력보다 못 쳐서...많이 실망했고...........서울에 있는 대학엔 붙었지만 제가 원하는 학과는 아니라.......재수를 하려고 결심 했습니다........1월부터 학원 신청을 하고.......어느덧 고3 친구들은 모두 대학에 들어가고.........정말 마음 독하게 먹고하자..........이젠 실패하지 말자고..............정말 마음 독하게 먹고..........하자.........그리고.........3월.......학원에서 개강을 시작하고 사람들이 많이 들어 왔습니다............그런데..........학원에서 알게 된 친구들과 밥먹으러 가는데..............또 그녀를 보았습니다......믿기지가 안았지만....그녀가 확실했습니다.........뭔가 아르르 무너진것 같은......이미 식어버린줄 알았던 제 가슴이 뜨거워 지더군요......아직까지.......어떻게 알아보니...........그녀도 재수를하게 되었다고...........그렇게 들었습니다.(물론 직접 묻지 않고 간접적으로 알아냈죠)............아............난 5년동안 아직도 사랑한단 말인가..........하지만 난 재수생.........이미 한 번 실패한 인생..............그리고 부모님의 기대........저도 열심히 해서........이번에는 성공 하자는 마음속 다짐......그녀와 내가 지금 친한것도 아니고....그냥 무덤덤하게 보는 사이.........만약 제가 고백해 성공한다 해도............공부에 지장 있을 듯하고...........실패하면..............마음의 상처를 깊게 받아 공부를 할 수 없을 것 같고...............그전에 덩치에 안 맞는 내 안의 소심함과 용기 부족....................수능치고 제가 고백할지 안 할지도 모르겠지만...............

그 3월달부터 지금 5월말.....점심시간 그 잠깐동안 전 그녀를 힐끗 바라봅니다.마음속 가슴앓이를 하면서.........오늘도,내일도............그리고 모레도............언제까지일지는 모르겠지만........

-----------------어느 이름없이 가슴앓이 하는 재수생이 씀-------------------